Sometimes it's great....and sometimes, like today, i hate life and it all feels so hopeless. Somedays i feel like school is right. Or, like lately i feel like i'm wasting time and don't want to do the work or care if it gets done. I'm sick of not caring about what happens to me or if homework gets done. I'm sick of dealing with millions of stupid shit. And i really just want to be happy.
I got a new tattoo, i love it but it's not done yet. I can't wait until it's done.
I still can't stop thinking about love and nathan and having SOMEONE to be with. That's all i want right now, and it's not even a full-fall-in-love-head-over-heels-can't-live-without-you relationship. i just want someone to be around. Someone who likes me enough, someone who makes me feel better....not like i'm crazy....
"I just didn't want them to have to deal with what i did" I can't believe that even when i'm nice he can break me done and implant something that i never stop thinking about. I believe it, that's the sad part. I know i should but it's hard.
....cory stopped talking to me...but i really don't blame him
....i started cutting again..... this last week for what feels like no reason. I was just stressed and it happened. And now that all i want when im upset....even if it makes it worse.
Somedays....i wish life would just stop for a while.
Today, 2 of my best friends and I went to Build-A-Bear. We are all over the age of 18 and i expected everyone there to look at us funny.While standing there and being amazed over the many different bears/animals one of the workers walked up to us and asked if we needed help. I giggled like a little girl a told her we were excited because we had never been there. she replyed that we had a deprived childhood and then proceeded to show us how to do everything and join in on our excitment. She even had us do all the random little things with the hearts that normally only the little kids do. Maximus, Paco, Bowser and Sparkles (she's for my niece ) entered the world today in one of the best days of my life.
It seems like every weekend a few more horrible things happen and i still have to come back up here and act like nothing is wrong I want to be strong enough to make it here. I need the money from work for shane and I need to finish up this year. I don't know though. Feeling like this everyday isn't making it easier to get homework done or want to get anything done. I woke up depressed and can't get nathan out of my head. He has a new girlfriend....already and i'm more misrable for just know that. It's not fair. And i know life isn't fair and people out there have it worse but seriously ? break-up, adjusting to pills, work, family shit, homework, class, sick dog, death, anxiety overload. Really ? unnessesary. I just feel like it's all against me right now. Like i'm suppose to just drop out and leave. But no matter how unhappy and stressed i am i just can't do that. I gave up on fakinf happy too...i've just told people it's going crappy and whatever....
....hating on life....living for the tiny happy moments i get.
thanks to sara and brenna for being there for all my break-up crying and random drama....i needed those hugs and words
I love that once i start to figure out things i get a smack in the face. I took Shane to the vet today to get her fixed and get her shots done. I called the doctor around 3pm to make sure everything went well. And the doctor just told me that she has HeartWorms...... The doctor told me about it and i'm not as worried. but i'm still worried. she's like my child and I can't take her being gone. It's gonna cost me a little over $800 to get her all fixed up through-out the next three months.
The money doesn't really worry me because i know i can make that in the next three months. I'm just so worried about what will happen to Shane. I called Dad and let him know what was going on and the next part i still can't believe. I expected him to tell me i should have taken her to the vet sooner...that's expected. But once he heard how much it's going to cost. He told me that I shouldn't spend the money on it. " Well dogs can live for a long time with heartworms. " I am NOT letting/watching my dog suffer and die of heart failure!!!!!
This is something i really don't let out much but Shane is the only dog i've ever met that when i'm sad and crying histarically she comes up and isn't afraid to sit right up against. She lets me hug her and cry. She's not afriad of me not being happy, she just wants to try and make it better. And i have to make her better this time, i love her and no one in their right mind would let their child die because of something being a little more expensive than they expected.
" I'm selfish, impatient , and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best " - marilyn monroe ( i think that might be my next tattoo, but i'm taking time to make sure it's what i want.)
Had my first counseling session a while ago. It went well and I feel good about going every week. Next week I got early on Tuesday Morning. I'm still going to be nervous about it but I think it will definately help and it is already. I told him alot in this one day, but I've decided there is nothing wrong with just being honest with people. Even when it scares you.
He said I have a lot of good way that I am dealing with things now. And alot of good people I can turn to if i need them. Which is all true. I think it may get tougher to talk about some stuff but that's life.
I tired, but that normal. I feel even more exhuasted lately and sometimes still depressed and sad. Somedays I miss him terribly, and somedays I know that this is best and It's most important that I work on myself and my goals right now. I still love Nate and Always will, but I know that I can't see him or talk to him for a while. My anxiety goes up so much when i'm in town but I know i can't just stop my life because i don't want to see him. I did see him the other day, just drove by him on my way to sara's and by the time I got to Sara's I was almost in tears. I felt so stupid but I can't do anything about it. Other than the anxiety I feel everything going on with me and my feelings is normal.
I go to the counseler tommorrow and I'm excited and scared at the same time. How should i act ? Feel? What should I say? It's not going to be comfortable but I know it'll help. Even if it doesn't right off the bat.
Dawn ( Logan and Lance's Mom) Died on Oct, 13th 2009 at 10:13 pm Here funeral was on monday. Logan's spent the last week or so drinking himself stupid everynight. I know it's not good for him but I've decided that because of this kind of thing he deserves some sort of grace period. Plus it's not my life to run. I worry about him and Lance, but there's really nothing I or anyone else can say or do to help.
Mom had some issues last week, but she's learning to deal. Or I'm not gonna be around much. I haven't barily talked to her or seen her but it's been so different and she pissed me off so bad the last time i saw her. We need to talk face to face but i haven't felt like driving that far lately.
Brenna and Sara and I are hanging out this weekend and I'm super excited. I don't know what we are doing but i hope it's for longer than a couple of hours. But I know they are both busy so I can't do much about that.
There is SO Much that has went on and so much that I don't understand but i'm working through. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes but I don't regret anything lately....except maybe how much i procrastinate.
I'm so excited for my summer and my life after. Even if it will be harder and more work. It's what i need to do to get where I want to go.
This summer I'm hopefully going on the study-away Art History class that I wanted to do last summer. We're going to greece and It's soo crazy busy but I know it's something I will NEVER regret. My dad hate the idea but....when was the last time i listened to him :-P
There is soo much more to write but I should really get to some homework.
There's been so much that has happened. I'm not happy or sad but content and i've been even more artist than before lately. I still feel lonely but that happens i guess. And from time to time i miss nathan like crazy but that's expected too.
I haven't really felt like updating. I still don't. Not sure why but I think i'de just rather talk or write than type right now.
Happiness is the hardest thing for me to obtain right now. Nate broke up with me when i need him the most. I think the only reason i am angry with him is because of the fact that he bailed on me. I went to the doctor and i start counseling ...soon. I'm trying to fix myself and it's probubley the hardest thing i've done while trying to work and be in school.
These pills are low dose and are reacting to me weirdly. I called the doctor cause i couldn't go back to Ferris cause of how i feel. But i have to go back tommorrow. Court is calling my name. don't worry i am just a witness. But it's a pain, but it has to be done.
I don't to be alone cause i don't trust myself. Everyone else seems to have more faith in me than i do. I love them for that, but wish it were easier.
I miss brenna and sara like whoa already. Lain has this ability to make me feel better so quickly when i am around her. And i've been hanging out with corey too. He's so easy to talk to for some reason even if it is hard for me to explain things.
Depressed all the time. Things have happened, bed things. Mom is making me go to the doctor Mom and ashley are fighting. Mom moved in her boyfriend a week after she met him face-to-face. ....will update more later gots class soon.
I started a journal. And i'm taking some stress pills, that double as a dietary supplement ( which i didn't want) I started this all yesterday. The last two or three weeks here i was only happy at work. I was angry, sad or really depressed the rest of the time. I don't know what's wrong with me. And the last two days the shit hit the fan. The only class i love i could barily get through yesterday and i don't know why. All i wanted to do was cry and i even cried after i got done with my test annd left and i think i did good on the test. Mom thinks it stress and anxioty (sp) amanda thinks it's a mix of not enough sleep, stress and maybe not having the right balance of vitamins. Nathan is just plan confused....me too me tooo Mom wanted me to go to the counsler on campus.....something about that depresses me more. I don't know how i can make my future work if i can't even handle my problems by myself....
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