Loneliness has consumed me. No matter what i do it won't go away. At work i can forget about it and with others around i can too, except in the room with tracy. I just feel so angry and lonely. Sleeping alone isn't actually bad it's just waking up alone everyday is annoying. I figured out that's why i was with nate so long. The fear of being alone is the worst i have and right now i can't get away from it.
I finally put on make-up today....given i'm not going anywhere but work it feels good anf makes me feel more pretty. It's nice to not have to have someone to tell me i look good to feel it :-P
I'm so much louder and confident now ....even when faking it. I don't really care if i walk up and talk to someone i don't know. I'm still honest to the max but that never really bugged me. My only downside to who i am now is that i can get REALLY mad and just be mean I can't control it...exspecially with mom and i hate that
I guess there are pros and cons to being me lol i can't wait to be home for thanksgiving!!! I'm so excited...lol i think i convinced tracy to go see new moon with me this weeekend lol, she's awesome like that. I found myself trusting a couple people here and making a couple of new friends ...and a bunch of random ones at work <,< >.> mostly guys lol
I'm excited to go to greece and Horribly scared for my amazing dog. I love her SOOO much i can't even believe it. She's the only animal i've known to not shy away from me when i cry. She sits right next to me and lets me hug her or just sit there I know it sounds weird but i can't give that up, no matter the cost.
Sometimes it's great....and sometimes, like today, i hate life and it all feels so hopeless. Somedays i feel like school is right. Or, like lately i feel like i'm wasting time and don't want to do the work or care if it gets done. I'm sick of not caring about what happens to me or if homework gets done. I'm sick of dealing with millions of stupid shit. And i really just want to be happy.
I got a new tattoo, i love it but it's not done yet. I can't wait until it's done.
I still can't stop thinking about love and nathan and having SOMEONE to be with. That's all i want right now, and it's not even a full-fall-in-love-head-over-heels-can't-live-without-you relationship. i just want someone to be around. Someone who likes me enough, someone who makes me feel better....not like i'm crazy....
"I just didn't want them to have to deal with what i did" I can't believe that even when i'm nice he can break me done and implant something that i never stop thinking about. I believe it, that's the sad part. I know i should but it's hard.
....cory stopped talking to me...but i really don't blame him
....i started cutting again..... this last week for what feels like no reason. I was just stressed and it happened. And now that all i want when im upset....even if it makes it worse.
Somedays....i wish life would just stop for a while.
Today, 2 of my best friends and I went to Build-A-Bear. We are all over the age of 18 and i expected everyone there to look at us funny.While standing there and being amazed over the many different bears/animals one of the workers walked up to us and asked if we needed help. I giggled like a little girl a told her we were excited because we had never been there. she replyed that we had a deprived childhood and then proceeded to show us how to do everything and join in on our excitment. She even had us do all the random little things with the hearts that normally only the little kids do. Maximus, Paco, Bowser and Sparkles (she's for my niece ) entered the world today in one of the best days of my life.
It seems like every weekend a few more horrible things happen and i still have to come back up here and act like nothing is wrong I want to be strong enough to make it here. I need the money from work for shane and I need to finish up this year. I don't know though. Feeling like this everyday isn't making it easier to get homework done or want to get anything done. I woke up depressed and can't get nathan out of my head. He has a new girlfriend....already and i'm more misrable for just know that. It's not fair. And i know life isn't fair and people out there have it worse but seriously ? break-up, adjusting to pills, work, family shit, homework, class, sick dog, death, anxiety overload. Really ? unnessesary. I just feel like it's all against me right now. Like i'm suppose to just drop out and leave. But no matter how unhappy and stressed i am i just can't do that. I gave up on fakinf happy too...i've just told people it's going crappy and whatever....
....hating on life....living for the tiny happy moments i get.
thanks to sara and brenna for being there for all my break-up crying and random drama....i needed those hugs and words
I love that once i start to figure out things i get a smack in the face. I took Shane to the vet today to get her fixed and get her shots done. I called the doctor around 3pm to make sure everything went well. And the doctor just told me that she has HeartWorms...... The doctor told me about it and i'm not as worried. but i'm still worried. she's like my child and I can't take her being gone. It's gonna cost me a little over $800 to get her all fixed up through-out the next three months.
The money doesn't really worry me because i know i can make that in the next three months. I'm just so worried about what will happen to Shane. I called Dad and let him know what was going on and the next part i still can't believe. I expected him to tell me i should have taken her to the vet sooner...that's expected. But once he heard how much it's going to cost. He told me that I shouldn't spend the money on it. " Well dogs can live for a long time with heartworms. " I am NOT letting/watching my dog suffer and die of heart failure!!!!!
This is something i really don't let out much but Shane is the only dog i've ever met that when i'm sad and crying histarically she comes up and isn't afraid to sit right up against. She lets me hug her and cry. She's not afriad of me not being happy, she just wants to try and make it better. And i have to make her better this time, i love her and no one in their right mind would let their child die because of something being a little more expensive than they expected.
" I'm selfish, impatient , and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best " - marilyn monroe ( i think that might be my next tattoo, but i'm taking time to make sure it's what i want.)
Had my first counseling session a while ago. It went well and I feel good about going every week. Next week I got early on Tuesday Morning. I'm still going to be nervous about it but I think it will definately help and it is already. I told him alot in this one day, but I've decided there is nothing wrong with just being honest with people. Even when it scares you.
He said I have a lot of good way that I am dealing with things now. And alot of good people I can turn to if i need them. Which is all true. I think it may get tougher to talk about some stuff but that's life.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
lovelovely17's journal
Previous
